Rollercoaster.

START VENT.

Okay, so life is being a little ridiculous right now. I'm getting a little sick of just having to deal with things. I'm sorry to vent, but I don't know what else to do and this might make me feel better. I just, gah, really? Really? Life is trying to suck more. Haven't I been through enough? I'm pretty sure I deserve a break. Yes, yes I do. I'm completely awesome, I've worked my freakin tail off the past 8 months to stay afloat. I dunno, I thought I would've cracked a long time ago. I'm tough, I've been through so much. I deserve a little happiness. I'm not expecting a lot, just a little happiness. I know life is what you make it, and I know in an hour I'll probably be fine and I'll be laughing my head off at something that really isn't that funny. But, I deserve more than that. I deserve to be happy. Gah. I dunno. This is not making sense. I'm just sooooo stressed and all these little things keep adding up, which makes the load I have to carry even harder. I'm just tired. I need a break. I've spent my whole life helping people, and making sure everyone else was okay, even if that meant things sucked for me. I want it to be my turn. I'd do anything to make the people around me happy, why isn't there anyone like that for me? Just seems kinda cheap. After going through all of this, I've learned that it's good and okay to ask for help. I kinda have to now, always ask for help, and that's a good thing. But now, all the support is gone, and this is just when things are getting harder. I need a little help. Just a little, I'm use to none, so a little will go a long long long way.

blah.

 END VENT.

Okay, on the bright side, work was fun. It was actually really nice because I was having a hard day, but apparently it was "Compliment Nichelle Day". That helped. A lot. I like being told how creative I am, how well I do things and how fast I get things done. Actually, all of my employers have loved me. Not to tute my own horn, but I do catch on fast, and I do work fast, and my work is awesome. TUTE TUTE! Nichelle is awesome. Heh. Not really. But, I do try to do my best. I'm definately not the worker I use to be. I can't handle 4 jobs anymore. But, yeah. I'm okay. Just kinda sick of crappy things happening to me. But, school is starting soon. That will be a nice change. I still have to find a job, the grant that is paying for me at my current job ends at the end of September. But, anyway...I can't wait to make new friends, meet new people and take on new challenges. This is a MUCH needed change.

Oh yeah, I get to sing in church on Sunday! Yay! I love singing. I hope I do okay. Blah... I love singing, but that doesn't mean people love hearing me sing....

(Sorry if there are lots of typo's----I'm pretty sure that's the fastest I've ever typed anything... It really was a vent... maybe I'll come back and edit it later... or not... I dunno... but sorry if it is hard to read)

Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words... Here's a few thousand words for you...

"It's the storm, not you, that's bound to blow away."

So, I've had quite a bit on my mind lately. You probably haven't seen me this week because I've kept to myself, but if you have, you've probably noticed I've been extra quiet. Well, depending on who you are, that may or not be normal. But, it's been extra quiet for those who normally see the quiet Nichelle, and I haven't really talked AT ALL for those who know... the "other" Nichelle.

By the way, I'm fine. Don't get me wrong. I'm not breaking down or anything, just a little overwhelmed with... everything. For instance, school's starting soon (I'm way excited, but nervous... mainly for campus... and walking... and handling everything) plus, I won't know if they can keep me on past summer or not yet at my job, also, the pain is increasing... many sleepless nights... and the normal stresses and worries that come from being 21. (Plus a little extra worry- cause I'm Nichelle.)

I dunno. I'm just really glad today is Sunday. It could not have come at a better time. Definitely need it. I just feel like I've been at the end of my rope for... hmmm... 6 months.... I dunno. Is it so bad to want to have something good happen for a change? I'm fine, if it's not. But, shouldn't I get a cupcake or something, ANYTHING for being a big girl through all of this. I'm tired of being content because I have to be, and I choose to be content. I would really like to happy. That would be nice. Truly scrumptious, actually. At times, I simply feel like I'm not capable of handling this. I know that in the grand scheme of things, this trial will be as nothing... but... it sure feels like nothing is a whole lot, right now.

I just also have a lot of decisions to make right now too. I mean, naturally, it's that time in my life. I'm just scared of making a wrong decision, or hurting someone, or causing myself to hurt... I dunno, all of this on top of everything that comes with my current trial is just a little overwhelming.

I know I just have to keep holding on. But, lately, that's been feeling a little hard.

-Belle


FYI:
Alright... about to go musical nerd on you... but here is the orgin for the title of this post...

"Hold On"
The Secret Garden

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.

(P.S. More lyrics... but this is all I'm putting up...)

Silver Linings, Warm Fuzzies and Tender Mercies.

So, don't get me wrong, LIFE IS AWESOME, I am so blessed, but, life is pretty tough. I sometimes get caught up in thinking about all the things that have happened recently. I start to ask questions like, Why did this happen or... Why did this person do that or... Why are they treating me that way or... Why doesn't something good happen for a change? But, that is a horrible way of thinking. So, since it's too dang hot for me to fall asleep, I thought I would write about the blessings in my life. Because those are the things I should be focusing on anyway. Right? Right.


Okay, first off... This one is awesome....

For those of you who don't know, parking at USU is RIDICULOUS. When I say ridiculous, I mean REALLY RIDICULOUS. It sometimes makes me want to go to a different school...

BUT... since I am "disabled" I can now park in ANY handicap parking spot on campus!

Yes. Yes! YES!

Alright, next little warm fuzzy that has happened recently is that there have been so many amazing sunsets recently! Well, and sunrises on the nights where I can't sleep due to pain... but seriously, they have BEEN AMAZING!

I've stopped so many times just to look at the sunsets, or the sky, or the clouds, or the mountains... recently all have been amazing, and just soaked in the love of my Savior. I don't know how you can look at the world around you and not feel of God's love. These miraculous miracles remind me of how blessed I am and of God's great power and love. If he can create something so beautiful, surely he can help me with my measly problems. All I have to do is go to him, and he will, and has helped and blessed me in ways I couldn't even imagine. He has made the blessings I need turn into things so grand and wonderful I couldn't even imagine them when I asked for his help. I am truly blessed.

Two words. My Family.

 I would be lost without my Family. We have gotten so much closer since my accident. I think it made us all realise how short life really is, and how important it is for us to show our love to each other. I love my Family. I can't imagine going through this without them. Words cannot describe how I feel about them. All words are inadequate to convey my love for them.

Obviously, after Family you talk about Friends!

 But, I really do feel like I have the most amazing friends ever! Ha ha, some of them are pretty crazy, but I have such a special group of friends. Especially, my friends from my Singles Branch. It honestly is a very special place. I've never been in a Singles Ward like the Summit Creek Branch. We all truly love each other, and are there for each other. Everyone who is there, is definitely there for a reason and purpose. I love how we all accept each other for our flaws, imperfections and in my case, they accept me with my crazy. I don't know of another place that I can have such a diverse group of people, who you wouldn't normally would think be in the same group of friends, be so close and so caring for one another.

MY BEST-Y WHITNEY!

 Oh man, I love this girl. We've gotten so close recently. We have the best conversations. Ba ha. We are definitely two peas in the crazy pod. We sometimes don't act our age, but we are always so happy. But, not only that, we have the best spiritual discussions, and she is always there when I need someone to lean on.


Volleyball Tuesday.

It may be kinda random to be grateful for this, but I am. I don't feel as restricted in Volleyball as I do in other activities. I can actually keep up and do as well as everyone else. But, in other physical activities, it's obvious how much I struggle to keep up.


The Merrill's.

My second parents are THE TOP reason I go to the Branch. I love the Branch regardless, but I go first and foremost for my Savior, but the reason after that, is the Merrill's. Not my friends. They are such an anchor in my life. I love them so much. I definitely have needed them in my life recently through all my trials. Especially, Sister Merrill... We have a bond I don't think most have with her. She's a very special lady, and I am very honored to not only know her, but to have a close relationship with her.

My Grandpa Don.

My Grandpa has been a guiding light in my life for as long as I can remember. When he was alive, I always considered him my best friend. Well, he still is my best friend, but I've allowed others to be my best friend too now... before it was Grandpa, and Grandpa only. He died a few months before I turned 8, but even though I was relatively young, his influence has always been a key part in helping me get through trials. The last thing my Grandpa said to me was, "Everything will be okay." So, no matter how hard things get, or how desperate, alone, afraid, inadequate or fearful I feel, I remember that last tender, special, sacred moment with my Grandpa. I trust him with all my heart, and if Grandpa promised that throughout my life everything would be okay, then everything WOULD be okay. There's no way they can't. Thank you Grandpa, I love you.

My Savior, Jesus Christ.

Grateful is not a grand enough word. Neither is love. But, I am so very, very, very grateful for my Savior, and I love him so very much. I feel honored, blessed and humbled to be a member of his Church and to have all the blessings I have. It truly amazes me the blessings I have received in my life. I do not feel worthy of all that I have. I'm grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know that it is the only place where the gospel is restored to it's fullest. I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon and modern Prophets which give me guidance and direction. I'm grateful for my Savior, and his atoning sacrifice for me personally, so that I may return to my Heavenly Father. I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that Families can be together forever, and that I will be resurrected. And one day, if not in this life, my body will be made whole again. I'm so grateful for Priesthood in my life, and that I'm surrounded by so many strong, valiant, noble and worthy men who hold it. I know with out this power I would not be here today, and that my recovery would not be as miraculous as it has been. My life is nothing short of a miracle. I'm so very grateful. I love my Savior with all my heart. I fail miserably, but I strive to serve him in all I do, act and say. I know he loves me, and all of God's children. I love and trust him with all my heart.

He lives.

Smiling's my FAVORITE!

So, I don't know what the change is. But I'm pretty dang happy right now. I feel like myself again. I just want to help people and serve, and have people rely on me. Before, I wanted to do those things but I felt so defeated and useless, so I didn't think I could. But lately, I feel like I can do anything! Don't get me wrong, it's really hard. And behind closed doors, I still cry and wish my body was normal again... But, things are different. Nothing got easier, nothing changed for the better, I still think this is completely hard and overwhelming, but... knowing that life is a little crappy right now doesn't really effect me. I'm happy. I feel like Nichelle again. It's a really good feeling.

It's probably that summer air and the beautiful sunshine that did the trick. I just wanted whoever cares... and bothers to read this... that right now... I'm really happy. Just as happy as I ever have been. Which is ironic because the last few days the pain has gotten so much worse. If you're around me and a turn my face away from anyone, it's because I don't want everyone to see the amount of pain I'm in. I have the "blessing" of not being able to hide my emotion. If I'm sad, you'll know, if I'm happy, you'll know... and when I am in incredible pain... you can definitely see it. But, I just tell myself that pain is a good thing. I like to pretend that pain means it's trying to fix itself, that's probably not the case, but it helps me cope so I tell myself that when the pain gets really bad.

At least I can feel it. It would be so much harder to walk if I didn't have as much feeling as I do. I'm getting pretty good, you can't tell when I have my brace on that's something is wrong. But, it's summer, so I'm usually wearing shorts or capri's so you can see the brace... Lol... But other than that you can't tell!
I actually have been going to swing dancing like I use to. I can't do all my tricks, but I can definitely do some. I just have to adjust how I land. (adjust adjust adjust... that's all I do these days.) (It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” -Charles Darwin... I'm in survival mode people!) I can't dance yet to the faster pace songs, and the fast line dances are kinda hard... but at least I'm out there trying.

My next goal is to try to jog... we'll see how much my brace can handle that. I was going to go yesterday, but life got kinda busy. But, I don't work on Fridays and I don't have stuff til later... So... If I get up the courage I'll go. It's amazing how nerve racking it is to try to jog! My body is all out of whack... I'm kinda scared to make things worse by pushing myself to much. I was stubborn and didn't wear my brace one day... which is totally fine... except for the fact that I didn't compensate for NOT having it and I rolled my bad ankle. It was sooooo painful! It made my whole leg freak out! My nerves apparently can only handle one injury at a time. I've rolled my ankle before during lacrosse and this time was so much worse! I couldn't walk for two days. I literally had to hop everywhere. (My right leg is in FANTASTIC shape by the way...)

Well, I guess we'll see how attempt number one at jogging goes today. Cross your fingers! Well, by the time someone reads this... I will have already attempted my daring adventure! ;)


Well, I just wanted to say that I'm doing good. I'm worn, drained, worried and scared... but I'm happy.

(This is little Nichelle!)

Thanks.

THANK YOU VIDEO LINK

I made a video to say thanks to those who helped me get through the past 6 months...

:)

21

LET THE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS BEGIN!

I will be partying it up the next while, because it's my birthday weekend.

I will continue partying throughout July, because it is my birth month.

July 5th is my birthday, and it will be epic.

July 21st is my 21st birthday party, which will also be epic.

I will continue partying all life long.