Friday, April 30, 2010

Warning: Contents below contain information about an upcoming surgery...

So, we went to Salt Lake to visit Dr. Smith, and Dr. Dailey. Dr. Smith performs the EMG tests on my leg. I went in pretty confident that all we would be recieving would be good news. He did the normal, yet painful tests. My tibial nerve improved alot. It went from a 5 to an 8... whatever that means. But, it's really good. Above average generally, but about what they expected for someone my age and who's healthy. But the peripheral nerve (I think that's what it's called...) didn't heal at all. It showed no improvements. Which was quite a shock to me because I've been able to accomplish so much in the past 7 ish weeks. Disappointment doesn't really describe what I was feeling. Honestly, I was crushed. I've tried so hard to do all I can. It's like if I had studied for 7 weeks for a test, thought I had it in the bag then turning around and totally failing. I  really hate showing weakness or sadness, because I have so much to be grateful for and my life is amazing, but it took everything I had not to cry. (It's hard for me to even write this, because I know a few people read it, I don't like feeling vunerable, I've been hurt alot and showing this is scary) I feel quilty feeling sorry for myself, I'm very blessed and really shouldn't complain. But, I was heartbroken. I was also kinda upset, my life recently, even before the accident.... well honestly has been the most trying time in my life. Then all of this happens... Sometimes it's just a little overwhelming and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. This has just been so hard for me, and I've felt very alone in all of this. I have my amazing family, and I have tons of wonderful friends... but it's been a long time since I've had a best (true best) friend. I've always been the best friend for other people, normally that's enough for me. Normally, that keeps me happy, knowing that I'm helping people. But sometimes I miss having that one person who truly cares about you. Anyway... Let's just say the past little bit has been getting me down, and I thought these tests would give me the little ray of hope that I needed to keep going. But instead, they did the exact opposite. I got kicked while I was down.
After the tests with Dr. Smith, we went over to Dr. Dailey's office to discuss the results with him more and talk to him about options for my nerve. We got there, and he pretty bluntly just said that nothing was improving and time probably wouldn't help. So we pretty much should do an operation on my nerve, or I should get a tendon transfer. I kept waiting for an option for door number three with a miracle pill or at least a million dollars... something.
But the surgery for my nerve- They are going to go explore the nerve and look at the damaged part. They'll do tests to see if the nerve is capable of sending a signal, if that's the case, then it's just a waiting game to see what will happen. If not, then they will put in a nerve graft and replace the damaged part of my nerve... which will hopefully fix the nerve and allow it to repair itself and give it a fighting chance to send a signal. But it also could end up not working. Plus, there's also the risk of making things worse, since the sciatic nerve is the most complex to operate on, I could just loose complete use of my leg if and accident were to occur.
The tendon transfer, to the best of my knowlege is they pretty much are going to rearrange the tendons in my leg so my foot will always be upright, and I will have none to little range of motion. It will make walking easier, so it's pretty much a permanent fix to my foot drop by doing the complete opposite by making it stay in place. We're going to visit with the Doctor who would perform that on Thursday to get more information and a better understanding of what that option is. This option is permanent, it can't be reversed. To be honest the thought of my foot always being at a 90* angle freaks me out. This one scares me. I mean... I couldn't point my toe in a dance for a show... I don't see how wearing any sort of heal would work... and it just seems weird and scary.
Well, now that I think of it there is a third option... it's to do both surgery's. Do the nerve replacement and if it doesn't do anything down the road, or it makes things worse, then the tendon transfer is still an option. But technically that's not really an option C it's option AB. Gross.
But, I want to do the surgery on my nerve. They said I could wait another 6 weeks and decide. But I'd rather recover now from a surgery then in the middle of summer. Psh. That would stink. It would be right before my birthday if I waited... Happy 21st Birthday... You get surgery! I'm pretty confident that the surgery would either help or do nothing... I'm pretty sure the odds are pretty slim that the same nerve would get damaged... but there is that risk. Hopefully my luck won't run out and this surgery will be fine. I already escaped death... might as well escape another surgical accident. But that's just my thoughts, I kinda just want to get it over with. It will answer questions about how ther nerve got damaged because they will be looking for answers and what went wrong. And if I have to go through this anyway, might as well do it now, then do all the recovering and working on repairing my nerve all at once. Of course, it will take things back a bit, but I've done the work once I can do it again. If there's any chance that something could help, I'm more than willing to do it. I asked for a miracle, I've got to be willing to do my part to get it. I mean, what else am I going to do, sit around feeling sorry for myself. I've always been a worker, I'm willing to pay dues.
Anyway, that's the update. They have an opening for this surgery on May 11th. (It's a 6 hour surgery... how crazy is that!) I'm pretty sure after we get some more details and questions answered that's when we will do the surgery. Of course my parents have alot of input, but everything has always been my decision. And this is what I want to do, I know there are risks, but it feels right. It's scary, but I've got to do what I've got to do.  At first I thought if I had enough faith that my nerve would just heal and everything would go back to normal. Not that's still not an option, but I can still use the technology we are blessed with to get closer to getting better. Even if I don't get better, if I don't do everything I can to fix it, how could I live with that. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. As much as I'm scared, as much as I cry behind closed doors, as much as I just wish this was over, the simple fact is that it's not over and this is what life layed out before me. I can either whine and complain all the time, or I can get to work. No one likes being around a negative person, so since I know I need the strength of those around me, I'm going to work and be as positive as I can be. That way, I'll be ready for the next obstacle that comes my way.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

So, there's nothing to exciting to report. Therapy is going great though, it's definately helping. Slow but sure. On the 29th I have an appointment in Salt Lake for another Neurogram. I'm actually kinda excited for this one. (The last one hurt like crazy... this one will too...) I think my nerve has done alot, I'm excited to see how much growth can be measured. I will report the updates as soon as I can. But as for now, no news is good news. I'm completely content and happy with my life. It's not exciting, I hardly do anything, but I'm happy.