Wednesday, November 24, 2010

So... I'm about to be a little vunerable...

So I read this blog, Little Miss Momma and it's pretty much my favoritest blog in the entire world. I also want everything in her etsy shop... but anyway. She wrote this completely honest, heart wrenching, amazing post about secrets. It totally inspired me. She talked about something totally personal and just put it out there, not only to help others, but to help herself. She asked others to email in their "secrets" so I did. But, I figure, it might be good to share those feelings with you guys... So, here's what I sent...


So, I read your post, and I wasn't going to share my secret... but then, I went and read your secret and felt like maybe I could. So, forgive me if this is hard to read, but I'm sure once I open this can of worms, my thoughts will be all over the place. My secret has to do with my current "trial".

January 4th of this year, I was in a sledding accident. Some friends and I went sledding, the guys decided to make a train. Me, being the social butterful I am, volunteered to jump in with the boys, they willing put me in the middle because a) this way I couldn't chicken out and break the chain, because they would hold on to me b) they promised it was the safest place. We started down the hill faster than anticipated, we couldn't react to anything, and my body was sling-shot forward and I was wrapped around a tree. I broke 3 bones in my back, 8 ribs, dislocated my hip and punctured/deflated/bruised one of my lungs. In all reality, I should've died, I should've been paralyzed, but I wasn't.

I actually was really grateful for this, is was a nice distraction from other things in my life that had hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I was sad to be bed ridden, and have to miss a semester of college, and wasn't looking forward to the long road of recovery, but I was grateful to have this to focus on instead of getting over my finace who cheated on me, stole money from me and left me. I was grateful to focus on something other than my mental recovery from something horrible from my childhood that I had just been confronted about. Having a postive attitude, and getting over these physical barriers, this, THIS I could handle.

But then, another twist to the story came. I had to go in to have surgery on my hip at the end of January. During surgery they accidentally cut my sciatic nerve, leaving the bottom half of my left leg paralyzed. Yep, you read that right, after escaping death and dodging becoming paralyzed, a surgical mistake left me with that fate, not the tree. At first it was really hard to handle, but I have so much support it's insane. I didn't know that this many people knew me, let alone cared. For the first couple months, I had so many visitors and support, it was amazing. I felt like I could conquer the world, and I slowly started adjusting to my new life. One day, I woke up and I was sick of using crutches, so I started using a cane. Then, I was sick of that, so I wobbled without it. Then, I got my brace, which makes it so you can hardly tell. I can't wear it all the time, but most people can't tell that anything is wrong with me. I got off my butt, I worked hard, and I started conquering this.

My secret is, now that the initial shock is over, and I have less support, this breaks me down. Even though, I'm a paralyzed person who can walk, I still feel inadequate. Everyone else's life has moved on, and mine is still stuck in this physically, emotionally, spiritually painful time in my life. I miss riding my bike. I miss running up the stairs. I miss wiggling my toes. No one thinks this is hard because of how much I can do now. But the truth is, it's harder now than it was during all my surgeries. It's harder now then when I couldn't touch my foot because the nerve pain was so severe. It's harder now, because I'm all alone in this. It's harder now, because people say how proud they are me, and I only see how much farther I have to go.

I'm glad I've been able to have a positive attitude, and I'm glad it's helped some people. I'm glad all the new people I meet don't know that anything is wrong. Unless my pant leg comes up and they see part of my brace and ask about it. I'm glad those who this effected, especially my close friends and family, aren't as scared anymore and can see my life is improving and almost normal again. I'm glad I'm alive.

But sometimes I just want someone to hold me while I cry and say, "This really sucks, doesn't it?"

My secret is, I'm not as strong as everyone perceive's me to be.


I'm scared to share stuff like this... but it's the honest truth.

Just be careful around me peeps... I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve...


Monday, November 22, 2010

Play. Snow. Nuns. Sleep.

"For this assignment you are requested to spend time playing."

Can I just say, I love my major. Why would I do something like Chemistry or Calculus (by the way... I scored super high on those on my ACT, so actually could of... but that's boring) when I could take classes about balancing your life and helping others... Yep. Life is awesome.
I'm way stressed. My body is worn out. I feel like I can't do anything, but life is good. 
IT'S SNOWING! It feels like Christmas! It's a weird feeling though, last time it snowed... well, you know... I almost died...

I love it. It means Christmas is coming,  but it is also getting me down. I feel I should be doing better in life than I am. I just... feel inadequate.
Also, boys suck. I don't think I'll ever be able to open up and date someone again. I talk about it, and I think about, and I think maybe I can... but I know if I ever get close I'll push them away...Stupid Voldemort.

I wish I could be a MORMON NUN. I would love that.
But, I'm so very blessed. I just have to deal with all this crap for awhile. I'm sure it will get better... but I feel a little hopeless at the moment. I love life though. I'm very blessed.

I'm ready for my foot to be better, but that won't happen soon... so i better deal with it...

I know I'm truly blessed... I'm just a little down... Well a lot down... I could use some happiness...

I'd write more...but I'm tired...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

So, I made this bag...

This bag, yes, this one right here...
Well, you see... I made this bag.
I would like to give this bag away.
I would like to give this bag away to YOU.
Take another look, it's pretty cute...
But, you see...
There's a catch...
Let me explain.

So, I made this blog...
and in order to win my bag, you have to go to my blog.
So, if I were you, I would totally go to that blog... like... right NOW.

So, thus ended the blog post about the bag.
The End.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Thanks for your support!!!

MY CRAFT BLOG just hit 1000 views! AWESOME! Follow my blog, and once a get 'X' amount of followers (I haven't decided the number yet) I'll have a giveaway of one of my BAGS! Trust me, they're cute, you'll want it! P.S. I'm having tons of fun with the princess accessories... I think Giselle is next... :D (Sorry, I'm too busy to post everyday, but I'm trying!) THANKS GUYS!!!!

My bags are basically a smörgåsbord of my flowers on a handbag! It's so fun! I love showing my "purse-onality!"

Friday, November 5, 2010

IWA Tribute.

I just want my foot to get better, so I can leave and go on my mission!!! I'm suppose to be halfway done by now!!!! GAAAAAAA!!!

I don't understand, I don't understand why I've been more through this past year then most people go through in a lifetime. Not just my foot, but all the stuff I had to deal with before that. I just, I'm sick of it. I want/NEED a break. I'm at my wits end!!! BLAGH!

But, I am very blessed. Honestly, I'm so grateful for institute and IWA. Especially IWA...
*Kathy, you are such an inspired leader, and know exactly what I need.
*Jessie Ann Kingsford, you've been my best friend for the past 5 years, and I love you.
*Shantell... you just make me happy and make me want to be better.
*Kieley, you are perfect, and I look up to you so much. I think you are one of the best girls I know.
*Gwen, Lori, J.Black, Tasha, Erin, JoNeale, Tami, Kelsey... You girls ALWAYS make me laugh!
*AnnaLynne, Stephanie, Shauna, Kelci, Jenna, Rachel, Catherine, Dionne, Amanda, Karissa, Janika, Liz, Rachel, Megan, Chanel and Erika.... I don't understand how ALL of you can be sooooo AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL!
*Callista and Brenna, I love you both. You both bring so much happiness to others.
Hannah, Elizabeth, Jessica F., Lauren, Katie... I'm jealous of your beauty... but don't worry, I love you anyway.
*Caity and Kennedy I'm so glad you just joined our chapter!!
*Stephanie Aagard and Shannon Guymon, you girls are simply amazing and I look up to you soooooo much!
*I'm so blessed to know all the other girls in IWA and our amazing I.C.!!!
* Janielle, you are my favoritest 2nd Counselor Buddy!!! P.S. Don't tell the other 2nd's... :) (Hannah, you are my favorite too.)
* ELISE!!!! I love you. You've helped me more than you will ever EVER know.  You are hands down, the 2nd reason I'm still sane right now. (#1 is my Savior... but... that's pretty dang good if you are number 2! GO ELISE!)

I'm not going to lie, life is kinda sucky right now.... but I'm so very blessed, and I know I'll get through it. Thank you for being patient with me. LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

(but right now, I love IWA a little more than the rest of you... Sorry!!! You're still favorite, I just have lots of favorites.)


Also, I wish it was Spring... and I wish I was in Holland right now....
FOREIGN MEN AND TULIPS!!!! (Or foreign men with two lips... tulips...) 
Just kidding... slightly.... AKA... I'm slightly kidding.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm so excited!!!

Click here to: GO TO MY CRAFT BLOG!!!

 I have a fun new project and I want your input!!!

Just hung out with a crazy lady.

So, while I was in my room... unable to fall asleep, this crazy lady came!!! Seriously, she was insane. She started getting Christmas decorations out! I was like, "Hey lady, that's not cool, don't you know that's not kosher!" Then the crazy lady was like, "Sheesh kid, it's been November for 3 hours!" I contemplated those wise and profound words, and before I knew it she had a nativity set up! I bargained with her and allowed her to set up a very limited amount of decorations. She whined a bit, and said, "But you have TWO WHOLE BINS FULL!!!" I persisted, "You cannot put them all out, only a couple things." She moaned and groaned, but I held my ground.

Don't believe me? I took pictures, you know, just in case you thought I was lying. Why would I lie? Santa's watching, duh.