Sunday, March 20, 2011

I dreamed a dream...

Tonight, I watched the 25th Anniversary Concert of Les Miserables with my Daddy.

P.S. Nick Jonas played Marius... it kinda threw me off... but it was cool...

Anyway... I love this song...

Let's just say I drove home crying, and haven't stopped all that much. Not just because I was in that show, and it became an emotional experience for the whole cast, but because I'm tired of life.

I'm sick of my life.

I know, I know... I could have it worse, but for me, it's tough.

I really don't know how much more I can take.

I mean, most 21year old have stresses like, what am I going to do after college, am I going to start a family, where am I going to live...

Nichelle's stresses are, is my paralyzed foot going to get worse? Will I have to have another surgery? Will I be able to physically get to school today, let alone finish college? When will I be able to walk normally again? When will I not feel completely alone again? Will anyone want to date someone with only one working leg? Forget marriage, let's just get someone who will stick around for a bit.

Is is normal for a 21 year old to have experienced all I have? To have the physically strength of a 50 year old? To already lose trust and faith in love. To be scared of life because of past experiences. To have suffered so much because of others mistakes. To be so afraid. To feel so defeated.

I know sometimes, I joke about my ex, and some, (my sister) will be mad at me for "not being over it"... but, he was my "love". The one I cared about more than myself. The one I gave everything too. I know that I shouldn't have. And I know he did horrible things while we were together, and that I shouldn't "miss" someone who, lied, stole and cheated on me, but in a sense I do. I don't hate, "Voldemort", to be honest, I love him. Loved. I don't know what it is now. I don't just stop. He'll always be what he was when I was blind by all the lies. As much I want to hate him, I know I can't. Possibly, maybe once there's someone I love more, he'll finally disappear completely. A much as I hate he was a part of my life, the fact is he was.

Now, keep in mind, I'm emotional. Keep in mind, I'll be better in the morning. But, these emotions are real. But, I don't need someone telling me I should be over it, or be concerned. I'm just venting. I'm just dealing with it the way I need to. I'm just getting it out, so I don't have to keep it in. I'm really okay. I have a lot to deal with, let me deal with it. Don't think I need to do it your way, let me do it mine. Let me be sad for my loses. It makes me realize what I do have. It's why I can get through this, it helps me see things as they are now, how I'm blessed. How I've gone through this, and even though I feel like I'm failing at life, I know that each day I can do better than the day before.

I'm an emotional girl. Things stick to me differently. I think my emotions are hard for others to understand.

Just, let me be me.

Let me be emotional when I need to be.

Right now, I need to be.

I thought my life would be so different.

I thought I'd be happier than I am now.

I thought I wouldn't have to deal with so much so soon. That my life wouldn't be this hard when I was thing young. I wasn't expecting a perfect life, but I was kinda expecting a life where I could walk normal. A life where people didn't judge me by a brace on my leg. A life where people treated me fairly and where they wouldn't make horrible mistakes that affected me and didn't do horrible things that would completely alter who I am and my life.

I thought I would make mistakes that would change me.
I didn't think others would have that right to make my life miserable.

I figured I'd stumble through my own problems, and use faith to get through it.
I didn't think I'd have to use my faith to lift myself up when I literally stumbled.

I knew that life would be hard, and things would change.
I didn't think that one day I wouldn't be able to move my foot.

I didn't think I'd reach over the year mark of being injured and have no progress.

I'm young. I'm healthy. I was suppose to be better by now.

I was suppose to be worrying about what to wear for my date on Friday.
Not calling and talking to physical therapists on Friday.

I thought I would have to figure out which boys would stick around.
Not find out that no boy is going to stick around.

I thought I'd be crying over break-ups at 21, not because of all of this.

I figured I'd make stupid mistakes and have to pay the price for those, not that I would have to deal with paying for the price of so many others mistakes.

I'm tired.
I want my foot to be better.
I want to ride a bike.
I want to walk on grass.
I don't want to have a handicap pass.
I don't want to be crying right now.
I want to feel safe.
I want to be happy.

I want the stress of school, and work, and boys.
Not the stress of doctors, pain and fear.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Hey... mean people....

If you leave a mean comment, I'm going to delete it.

That's all.