Saturday, February 20, 2010

Today's been a little rough...

So the past couple days have been really hard for me. Usually when I get down, or I notice that my mood isn't where it should be, I find someway to help someone or to serve someone else. For me this really helps, I know the reason I start feeling down or sorry for myself is because I start to get selfish. But ever since the injury, the only thing I feel capable of is asking for help. I need to find uplifting ways to spend my time while being injured.

I just came back from one of my best friends going away party, it was really hard. I know I'll see my friend again, and we weren't saying goodbye's... the reason that it was hard was because all I could was sit on the couch. Most of the activites that were going on required you to be moving around. Since I can't even stand for very long without loosing my balance it was hard to be there. It's so frustrating constantly being in pain, and not being able to do the simple things that I could not that long ago. I feel that I'm on my wits end. I feel bad for being sad about this, because so many people have helped me so much, but I still get sad about my leg. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong, normally during hard times, I find reasons to be content, but today I can't seem to do that. I guess I just want someone else to just sit with me. I feel very alone in what I'm going through. I have support from family and friends, but I'm the only one who can't walk.

I'm so grateful for the Savior and knowing he is always there for me, I'm grateful for my famliy and friends. When the burden get's hard, they all are so patient with me. But, I feel I'm stuck in a rut, so any advice would be helpful. I guess, I'm mostly frustrated because I'm so use to doing things, and helping in any way that I can, and now I can't do anything. All the things that gave me joy, helping others, being active, or simply walking over to someone that looked like they needed help, I can't do anymore. I guess, if I can't be the one to go help people, I wish people would come help me. I know most of the people in my life would do anything for me if I asked. But I don't want to ask, I want someone to know what I need. But that's a tall order to fill.

I guess... I'm sending out into the abyss of cyber space a call for help and comfort...

Friday, February 19, 2010

Oh the NERVE!

A few weeks after "the incident of.... well... being paralyzed"... I had an MRI in Salt Lake and meetings with some specialists. Nervous isn't a grand enough word for how I felt about having an MRI, surgery's are scary, but at least you're knocked out... I wasn't really excited to sit in a tube for 90 minutes to take some pictures of my innards. But, things went better than expected, I should've learned by now just to freak out less and I'll be fine.

The specialists wanted to wait to see the results from the MRI, but the options were most likely going to be, after they had a better picture of the nerve and the damage that had been done they'd go in for another surgery. Once they got in there, they would do a test using electrical currents to make sure signals could still go through the damaged part of the nerve. They hopefully wanted to reattach the part of the nerve that had been cut or ripped, since it was still attached, that would be the best bet of a better and full recovery if they could keep my nerve... but just repair it. Another option that they would be prepared for when they did the surgery was to have a donor nerve ready to place in if the nerve was too damaged. The risk with that was that my body may reject the nerve, but they wouldn't be able to tell until a year later, so they would just have to just start from base one again and try another donor nerve.

The last and scariest option, in my opinion, would be to do a tendon transfer. My back tendons on my leg are still in good working order, since i can curl my toes and I have full sensation of my lower leg and foot. (Yeah I'm paralyzed but still get to feel all the pain... talk about being jipped) This surgery would split my good tendons and I would have to relearn how to use my leg... I dunno... it was just weird and scary... and this last resort would definatly make it that I would lose alot of use in my leg...but I would walk again.

LUCKILY, the results came back from the MRI. As it turns out, I have super human healing powers. I forgot to mention earlier that my ribs, back and lung healed in 2-ish weeks, instead of the 8 or more weeks which was what was expected. But, back to the MRI results... the part of the nerve that had been ripped and was just a flap had reattached itself. This was an amazingly good sign. So instead of doing surgery quickly, they wanted to wait at least 4 weeks to see what else would happen, and how much more progress my body could do on it's own. So the next appointment is March 4th in Salt Lake...

Of course it isn't my super human healing powers, it's the power of the priesthood. It's the faith that I had and so many had on my behalf. I know that there were countless prayers in my behalf, and I know they are still going. With everything that's going on in the world, it's amazing to me that so many would take the time to care for me and have faith in me. My Daddy fasted and prayed for MULTIPLE days that I would be healed. He not only has faith in another miracle, he expects it. So whenever my faith waivers or this burden gets a little to hard to bare, I remember the countless miracles that have already happend. Even if I never walk again, I've been blessed more than anyone I know. What do I have to complain about? I never knew how much love and support could be given to me. I love my family, my friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can all read about the miracles that our Savior Jesus Christ did for his people, he healed the sick, raised the dead.... and he caused the lame to walk. I know that His miracles are still going on today. He is the same yeterday, today and tomorrow. I know that if it's His will, and if my purpose in life requires me to walk then I'll be healed, if not, I WILL walk again because of his atonement, because of the ressurection. No matter how hard the path may be, I know I'm never alone. I know, it will all be okay.

There's this quote that we all love in our little Relief Society in my beloved Summit Creek Branch, it's "Everything will work out in the end, if things aren't working out.... It's not the end."

The Accident after the Accident...

So I had to go back to the hospital a couple weeks after the accident because surgery was needed on my hip to remove some fragments that had been left behind in the ball and socket of my hip when they put it back into place.  This surgery really freaked me out, at first I was fine with it, but when they were discussing the surgery the surgeon told me they would have to redislocate my hip. I knew that I would be under, but if anyone out there has had their hip dislocated, they NEVER want to go through it again. That alone, scared me beyond words. I had many blessings and visits from wonderful friends to comfort me, and by the time the surgery came, I was hesitant but, somewhat prepared as prepared as you can be....

Back in my room after the surgery, my family was there for support and guidance, and everything seemed to have gone right. I was so excited that this was the final hurdle and that from here on out everything would be better. I had already given up going to school, given up my job, given up being with friends and family, I might have also given up some ability to dance and perform in shows but it was worth it as long as I was safe. I knew then that I could conquer this next little bit of recovery.

Then, 24 hours after the surgery I wasn't gaining motion in my leg. It's typical for the first little bit not to have motion, but it had been way to long for me to still not to have control. It was decided that something had gone wrong, so they had to go in for a second time to explore the nerve to see what had happened. This time was even worse then the first. I had no preparation time to get mentally ready for what was going on, I just had to grit my teeth and go. So then went the second surgery...

Now, for the results of the second surgery. It turned out that my sciatic never had been stitched and cut during surgery. This is what was causing my leg from the knee down to be paralyzed. It was so hard hearing those words from the Doctor... I couldn't help but control my tears as I was so lost about what was going on and if this could really happen to me. Ever since the accident I was so grateful to my Heavenly Father for how blessed I had been since the accident, I knew that the impact of the tree and the amount of damage done to my body I was lucky to be alive, and I was also lucky not to be paralyzed or injured any worse than I was. I prayed constantly in thanks that I was spared and so protected. To find out news like this, that I was paralyzed because of a Doctor's mistake was to much to handle. I had spent the last two weeks in gratitute that I wasn't.

After letting things sink in, and realizing that I still had many options... life went on... my family was still there... I still had support from my friends... I knew that instead of this being the last hurdle, this was the first of many. But having my life being spared was a miracle, I knew if God willed it he'd give me another.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Original Accident

For those of you who do not know, I was in a sledding accident at the start of 2010. I sure know how to start a year out with a BANG! The accident happened on January 4th. Some friend and I were sledding down Old Main on USU's campus. We had made a chain of 5, me of course in the middle, the safest place... not really... I honestly don't remember much of what happened, we started going down fast, and all I remember is getting a prompting to protect my head. I wasn't expecting anything to happen, I just knew I had to protect my head. How did I do that? To this day I still don't know.

The next thing that I remember is waking up in the ambulance, I honestly thought I was in a dream, or some crazy Grey's Anatomy episode. It didn't feel real at all, I swear I was watching them take care of me in the ambulance. The next time I woke up was in the Emergency Room. It was at that point that I realised this was real. You never really think these kind of things can happen to you, but this time, it really did happen to me. I remember feeling so scared and afraid. I finally realised that my parents were right by my side. Slowly comfort came, but the pain came faster. As soon as the shock wore off, I realised how much pain I was in. Never before had I felt something so incredible painful and unnatural. I knew things were not right. All I wanted was it to be fixed.

My Grandpa Allen came into the Emergency Room. I remember him giving me a blessing, but what was said or what happened after that I couldn't tell you. I only remember feeling complete peace and comfort. I know that through the power of the priesthood my life was saved, there in the Emergency Room and on Old Main. The voice I HEARD to tell me to protect my head truly was my guardian angel, my Grandpa Don. I was also protected because of my wonderful friends who also held the priesthood and helped me right after I hit that unbeatable tree.

8 Broken Ribs (all on the right side)
3 Broken Posterio Processes (back bones)
1 Deflated, Punctured, Brusied Right Lung.
1 Dislocated Hip (left)