Friday, July 16, 2010

Smiling's my FAVORITE!

So, I don't know what the change is. But I'm pretty dang happy right now. I feel like myself again. I just want to help people and serve, and have people rely on me. Before, I wanted to do those things but I felt so defeated and useless, so I didn't think I could. But lately, I feel like I can do anything! Don't get me wrong, it's really hard. And behind closed doors, I still cry and wish my body was normal again... But, things are different. Nothing got easier, nothing changed for the better, I still think this is completely hard and overwhelming, but... knowing that life is a little crappy right now doesn't really effect me. I'm happy. I feel like Nichelle again. It's a really good feeling.

It's probably that summer air and the beautiful sunshine that did the trick. I just wanted whoever cares... and bothers to read this... that right now... I'm really happy. Just as happy as I ever have been. Which is ironic because the last few days the pain has gotten so much worse. If you're around me and a turn my face away from anyone, it's because I don't want everyone to see the amount of pain I'm in. I have the "blessing" of not being able to hide my emotion. If I'm sad, you'll know, if I'm happy, you'll know... and when I am in incredible pain... you can definitely see it. But, I just tell myself that pain is a good thing. I like to pretend that pain means it's trying to fix itself, that's probably not the case, but it helps me cope so I tell myself that when the pain gets really bad.

At least I can feel it. It would be so much harder to walk if I didn't have as much feeling as I do. I'm getting pretty good, you can't tell when I have my brace on that's something is wrong. But, it's summer, so I'm usually wearing shorts or capri's so you can see the brace... Lol... But other than that you can't tell!
I actually have been going to swing dancing like I use to. I can't do all my tricks, but I can definitely do some. I just have to adjust how I land. (adjust adjust adjust... that's all I do these days.) (It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” -Charles Darwin... I'm in survival mode people!) I can't dance yet to the faster pace songs, and the fast line dances are kinda hard... but at least I'm out there trying.

My next goal is to try to jog... we'll see how much my brace can handle that. I was going to go yesterday, but life got kinda busy. But, I don't work on Fridays and I don't have stuff til later... So... If I get up the courage I'll go. It's amazing how nerve racking it is to try to jog! My body is all out of whack... I'm kinda scared to make things worse by pushing myself to much. I was stubborn and didn't wear my brace one day... which is totally fine... except for the fact that I didn't compensate for NOT having it and I rolled my bad ankle. It was sooooo painful! It made my whole leg freak out! My nerves apparently can only handle one injury at a time. I've rolled my ankle before during lacrosse and this time was so much worse! I couldn't walk for two days. I literally had to hop everywhere. (My right leg is in FANTASTIC shape by the way...)

Well, I guess we'll see how attempt number one at jogging goes today. Cross your fingers! Well, by the time someone reads this... I will have already attempted my daring adventure! ;)

Well, I just wanted to say that I'm doing good. I'm worn, drained, worried and scared... but I'm happy.

(This is little Nichelle!)


  1. Nichelle! You are the most amazing person I've EVER met! I love you so much and I'm so glad that you look at the glass as half full! You're the best and I know Heavenly Father is going to continue to pour down the blessings on you because if anyone deserves it, it's you! I love you!

  2. I LOVE YOU NICHELLE!!! You are AMAZING! Don't give up, you are so strong! I sit here and think of all my trials.. and well it is nothing compared to what you have gone through! I look up to you so much! Keep your head up- You are headed in the right direction! Call me sometime and we will have a girls night, I miss you chicka!! You are in my prayers! :)