Sunday, March 20, 2011

I dreamed a dream...

Tonight, I watched the 25th Anniversary Concert of Les Miserables with my Daddy.

P.S. Nick Jonas played Marius... it kinda threw me off... but it was cool...

Anyway... I love this song...

Let's just say I drove home crying, and haven't stopped all that much. Not just because I was in that show, and it became an emotional experience for the whole cast, but because I'm tired of life.

I'm sick of my life.

I know, I know... I could have it worse, but for me, it's tough.

I really don't know how much more I can take.

I mean, most 21year old have stresses like, what am I going to do after college, am I going to start a family, where am I going to live...

Nichelle's stresses are, is my paralyzed foot going to get worse? Will I have to have another surgery? Will I be able to physically get to school today, let alone finish college? When will I be able to walk normally again? When will I not feel completely alone again? Will anyone want to date someone with only one working leg? Forget marriage, let's just get someone who will stick around for a bit.

Is is normal for a 21 year old to have experienced all I have? To have the physically strength of a 50 year old? To already lose trust and faith in love. To be scared of life because of past experiences. To have suffered so much because of others mistakes. To be so afraid. To feel so defeated.

I know sometimes, I joke about my ex, and some, (my sister) will be mad at me for "not being over it"... but, he was my "love". The one I cared about more than myself. The one I gave everything too. I know that I shouldn't have. And I know he did horrible things while we were together, and that I shouldn't "miss" someone who, lied, stole and cheated on me, but in a sense I do. I don't hate, "Voldemort", to be honest, I love him. Loved. I don't know what it is now. I don't just stop. He'll always be what he was when I was blind by all the lies. As much I want to hate him, I know I can't. Possibly, maybe once there's someone I love more, he'll finally disappear completely. A much as I hate he was a part of my life, the fact is he was.

Now, keep in mind, I'm emotional. Keep in mind, I'll be better in the morning. But, these emotions are real. But, I don't need someone telling me I should be over it, or be concerned. I'm just venting. I'm just dealing with it the way I need to. I'm just getting it out, so I don't have to keep it in. I'm really okay. I have a lot to deal with, let me deal with it. Don't think I need to do it your way, let me do it mine. Let me be sad for my loses. It makes me realize what I do have. It's why I can get through this, it helps me see things as they are now, how I'm blessed. How I've gone through this, and even though I feel like I'm failing at life, I know that each day I can do better than the day before.

I'm an emotional girl. Things stick to me differently. I think my emotions are hard for others to understand.

Just, let me be me.

Let me be emotional when I need to be.

Right now, I need to be.

I thought my life would be so different.

I thought I'd be happier than I am now.

I thought I wouldn't have to deal with so much so soon. That my life wouldn't be this hard when I was thing young. I wasn't expecting a perfect life, but I was kinda expecting a life where I could walk normal. A life where people didn't judge me by a brace on my leg. A life where people treated me fairly and where they wouldn't make horrible mistakes that affected me and didn't do horrible things that would completely alter who I am and my life.

I thought I would make mistakes that would change me.
I didn't think others would have that right to make my life miserable.

I figured I'd stumble through my own problems, and use faith to get through it.
I didn't think I'd have to use my faith to lift myself up when I literally stumbled.

I knew that life would be hard, and things would change.
I didn't think that one day I wouldn't be able to move my foot.

I didn't think I'd reach over the year mark of being injured and have no progress.

I'm young. I'm healthy. I was suppose to be better by now.

I was suppose to be worrying about what to wear for my date on Friday.
Not calling and talking to physical therapists on Friday.

I thought I would have to figure out which boys would stick around.
Not find out that no boy is going to stick around.

I thought I'd be crying over break-ups at 21, not because of all of this.

I figured I'd make stupid mistakes and have to pay the price for those, not that I would have to deal with paying for the price of so many others mistakes.

I'm tired.
I want my foot to be better.
I want to ride a bike.
I want to walk on grass.
I don't want to have a handicap pass.
I don't want to be crying right now.
I want to feel safe.
I want to be happy.

I want the stress of school, and work, and boys.
Not the stress of doctors, pain and fear.


  1. Oh, Nichelle! This post breaks my heart for you! That IS a heavy load you're carrying, I wish there was some way I could help lighten it. But, from over here I can pray for you, A LOT. And boys are poo poo heads. Nuff said. My one true love Dear Janed me while he was on his mission. On Christmas. So, I know what it's like to be so broken hearted you don't think you can possibly go on. It's no fun at all. Hang in there, Sweetie! You have lots of prayers heading your way! ((HUGS))

  2. Thanks for such an honest post!
    Your an amazing lady!
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  3. I don't think I was being mean. I was just saying that we all have imperfections, and many times they are like yours, ones that are very difficult or even impossible to change. There are a million good boys that will stick around, but you will have to at least give them a chance first. The guys that think you're broken are a waste of your time anyway. I don't mind if you delete this post since I only care that you get it.

  4. Nichelle! You are absolutely amazing and this post is poetry. Maybe not everyone understands your emotions, but you are not alone. People have had similar experiences and can relate to you. And even if they can't, Christ does. I love how much strength and faith you have. You have and always will be an example to me. I love you, girl. Don't forget it.

  5. I know you don't know me and I don't really know you, except through this blog I happened on tonight. My experiences have been different than yours but I remember similarly despairing days. Keep going. It's worth it. It does, eventually, get better. The darker the night, the brighter the coming day. :)

    And on a somewhat lighter but still encouraging note, leave the boys behind. Hold out for MAN!

  6. Nichelle,
    I don't know you, and you don't know me... I found this blog from your other blog through a friend's blog. (How's that for blog hopping?)
    I am 23.My name is Ciera. I am married to the love of my life (which I am so grateful for everyday!) We have 2 beautiful little boys and a little girl on the way. Our life SEEMS perfect, right?
    Well, it's not. See, my husband has a condition that no one can figure out. It all started over 3 years ago when I was pregnant with our first son. I was on partial bedrest because of pre-term labor and got a phone call from a guy at his work saying, "Just so you know, Stewart is in an ambulance right now on his way to the ER. Don't freak out though, I'm sure he's fine!" That one ride to the ER changed our lives forever! The doctor's diagnosed him with a heart condition, and had to shock his heart into rhythm. He had a surgery a few months later to try to fix the problem. Unfortunately that only made the problem worse.
    Since that first surgery, he has had 5 more. So 6 in all. We have been to so many doctor's that I have honestly lost count. We've been to Minnesota to the Mayo Clinic. He's taken so many drugs that I can't even start to name them all. Today, he is unable to work. He is unable to be home alone, especially with our 2 kids. See, he faints anywhere from 5-50 times a day. Doctor's don't know why. The REALLY sad part about it is that there is NO end in sight for us!
    We face everyday with the HOPE that someone will call us, or some how we will find ONE doctor that can figure out why he faints. We search the internet daily to find answers. We have done everything we can.
    My 2 1/2 year old son knows how to wake his daddy up when he passes out. To him it's "normal". To adults that we're around for the first time, it's the scariest thing they've ever seen. My 1 year old son now knows to slap daddy's face when he passes out. He is only 1. No 1 year old should have to deal with that.
    Today I am again on partial bedrest. I'm in pre-term labor again. Our kids are what keeps us going. That and our faith in ALL of the MANY blessings that Stewart has received saying that one day, he'll get better.
    I understand your frustration. Not at having a paralyzed foot. Not at not finding the one. But at not understanding. At trying to have faith when all you REALLY want to do is give up sometimes. At crying when you find yourself alone, because keeping up appearances is SO HARD.
    I hope that one day soon you find the man that will be your husband, and will treat you the way that you deserve. I pray that you will continue to have the strength to get out of bed every morning and put a smile on your beautiful face! I am so impressed by your strength and honesty. It's hard to go through something that you don't understand the reason for completely, and to stay positive. Just remember that our trials make us stronger.
    And honestly, we are NEVER alone! Not completely. That's one of the biggest lessons I've learned since my husband got sick. You are NEVER alone!
    Sorry this was so long! I just wanted to offer my support for you, and hope that what I have written helps in some small way!

  7. as someone who has hit rock bottom before, i would also like to add my 2 cents and say it gets much much better. you will eventually find a guy who makes you forget about everything and everyone else, and you will wonder how you could ever love anyone else. i promise. just know there are lots of people who love you, and who you can reach out to. i know i'm a stranger, but if you ever want to chat, feel free to email me [yourstrulydear[at]gmail[dot]com]. i know you're in a tough place, but just keep trucking along my dear :) also, read romans 8:18. in fact, just read the whole chapter. it helped me in my hard times, so hopefully it can help you too.

  8. ps: i know you posted this a long time ago, but i just came across it and i had to say something. i hope things have been looking up for you. xoxo.