So I read this blog, Little Miss Momma and it's pretty much my favoritest blog in the entire world. I also want everything in her etsy shop... but anyway. She wrote this completely honest, heart wrenching, amazing post about secrets. It totally inspired me. She talked about something totally personal and just put it out there, not only to help others, but to help herself. She asked others to email in their "secrets" so I did. But, I figure, it might be good to share those feelings with you guys... So, here's what I sent...
So, I read your post, and I wasn't going to share my secret... but then, I went and read your secret and felt like maybe I could. So, forgive me if this is hard to read, but I'm sure once I open this can of worms, my thoughts will be all over the place. My secret has to do with my current "trial".
January 4th of this year, I was in a sledding accident. Some friends and I went sledding, the guys decided to make a train. Me, being the social butterful I am, volunteered to jump in with the boys, they willing put me in the middle because a) this way I couldn't chicken out and break the chain, because they would hold on to me b) they promised it was the safest place. We started down the hill faster than anticipated, we couldn't react to anything, and my body was sling-shot forward and I was wrapped around a tree. I broke 3 bones in my back, 8 ribs, dislocated my hip and punctured/deflated/bruised one of my lungs. In all reality, I should've died, I should've been paralyzed, but I wasn't.
I actually was really grateful for this, is was a nice distraction from other things in my life that had hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I was sad to be bed ridden, and have to miss a semester of college, and wasn't looking forward to the long road of recovery, but I was grateful to have this to focus on instead of getting over my finace who cheated on me, stole money from me and left me. I was grateful to focus on something other than my mental recovery from something horrible from my childhood that I had just been confronted about. Having a postive attitude, and getting over these physical barriers, this, THIS I could handle.
But then, another twist to the story came. I had to go in to have surgery on my hip at the end of January. During surgery they accidentally cut my sciatic nerve, leaving the bottom half of my left leg paralyzed. Yep, you read that right, after escaping death and dodging becoming paralyzed, a surgical mistake left me with that fate, not the tree. At first it was really hard to handle, but I have so much support it's insane. I didn't know that this many people knew me, let alone cared. For the first couple months, I had so many visitors and support, it was amazing. I felt like I could conquer the world, and I slowly started adjusting to my new life. One day, I woke up and I was sick of using crutches, so I started using a cane. Then, I was sick of that, so I wobbled without it. Then, I got my brace, which makes it so you can hardly tell. I can't wear it all the time, but most people can't tell that anything is wrong with me. I got off my butt, I worked hard, and I started conquering this.
My secret is, now that the initial shock is over, and I have less support, this breaks me down. Even though, I'm a paralyzed person who can walk, I still feel inadequate. Everyone else's life has moved on, and mine is still stuck in this physically, emotionally, spiritually painful time in my life. I miss riding my bike. I miss running up the stairs. I miss wiggling my toes. No one thinks this is hard because of how much I can do now. But the truth is, it's harder now than it was during all my surgeries. It's harder now then when I couldn't touch my foot because the nerve pain was so severe. It's harder now, because I'm all alone in this. It's harder now, because people say how proud they are me, and I only see how much farther I have to go.
I'm glad I've been able to have a positive attitude, and I'm glad it's helped some people. I'm glad all the new people I meet don't know that anything is wrong. Unless my pant leg comes up and they see part of my brace and ask about it. I'm glad those who this effected, especially my close friends and family, aren't as scared anymore and can see my life is improving and almost normal again. I'm glad I'm alive.
But sometimes I just want someone to hold me while I cry and say, "This really sucks, doesn't it?"
My secret is, I'm not as strong as everyone perceive's me to be.
I'm scared to share stuff like this... but it's the honest truth.
Just be careful around me peeps... I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve...