Wednesday, November 24, 2010

So... I'm about to be a little vunerable...

So I read this blog, Little Miss Momma and it's pretty much my favoritest blog in the entire world. I also want everything in her etsy shop... but anyway. She wrote this completely honest, heart wrenching, amazing post about secrets. It totally inspired me. She talked about something totally personal and just put it out there, not only to help others, but to help herself. She asked others to email in their "secrets" so I did. But, I figure, it might be good to share those feelings with you guys... So, here's what I sent...


So, I read your post, and I wasn't going to share my secret... but then, I went and read your secret and felt like maybe I could. So, forgive me if this is hard to read, but I'm sure once I open this can of worms, my thoughts will be all over the place. My secret has to do with my current "trial".

January 4th of this year, I was in a sledding accident. Some friends and I went sledding, the guys decided to make a train. Me, being the social butterful I am, volunteered to jump in with the boys, they willing put me in the middle because a) this way I couldn't chicken out and break the chain, because they would hold on to me b) they promised it was the safest place. We started down the hill faster than anticipated, we couldn't react to anything, and my body was sling-shot forward and I was wrapped around a tree. I broke 3 bones in my back, 8 ribs, dislocated my hip and punctured/deflated/bruised one of my lungs. In all reality, I should've died, I should've been paralyzed, but I wasn't.

I actually was really grateful for this, is was a nice distraction from other things in my life that had hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I was sad to be bed ridden, and have to miss a semester of college, and wasn't looking forward to the long road of recovery, but I was grateful to have this to focus on instead of getting over my finace who cheated on me, stole money from me and left me. I was grateful to focus on something other than my mental recovery from something horrible from my childhood that I had just been confronted about. Having a postive attitude, and getting over these physical barriers, this, THIS I could handle.

But then, another twist to the story came. I had to go in to have surgery on my hip at the end of January. During surgery they accidentally cut my sciatic nerve, leaving the bottom half of my left leg paralyzed. Yep, you read that right, after escaping death and dodging becoming paralyzed, a surgical mistake left me with that fate, not the tree. At first it was really hard to handle, but I have so much support it's insane. I didn't know that this many people knew me, let alone cared. For the first couple months, I had so many visitors and support, it was amazing. I felt like I could conquer the world, and I slowly started adjusting to my new life. One day, I woke up and I was sick of using crutches, so I started using a cane. Then, I was sick of that, so I wobbled without it. Then, I got my brace, which makes it so you can hardly tell. I can't wear it all the time, but most people can't tell that anything is wrong with me. I got off my butt, I worked hard, and I started conquering this.

My secret is, now that the initial shock is over, and I have less support, this breaks me down. Even though, I'm a paralyzed person who can walk, I still feel inadequate. Everyone else's life has moved on, and mine is still stuck in this physically, emotionally, spiritually painful time in my life. I miss riding my bike. I miss running up the stairs. I miss wiggling my toes. No one thinks this is hard because of how much I can do now. But the truth is, it's harder now than it was during all my surgeries. It's harder now then when I couldn't touch my foot because the nerve pain was so severe. It's harder now, because I'm all alone in this. It's harder now, because people say how proud they are me, and I only see how much farther I have to go.

I'm glad I've been able to have a positive attitude, and I'm glad it's helped some people. I'm glad all the new people I meet don't know that anything is wrong. Unless my pant leg comes up and they see part of my brace and ask about it. I'm glad those who this effected, especially my close friends and family, aren't as scared anymore and can see my life is improving and almost normal again. I'm glad I'm alive.

But sometimes I just want someone to hold me while I cry and say, "This really sucks, doesn't it?"

My secret is, I'm not as strong as everyone perceive's me to be.


I'm scared to share stuff like this... but it's the honest truth.

Just be careful around me peeps... I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve...



  1. Nichelle...I just read your secret (and thanks to you, I just read Little Miss Momma's secret--what a cool blog!), and I think you are amazing. It makes TOTAL sense that this stage might be one of the hardest of recovery. Your willingness to reveal give yourself so completely to the world really testifies of your strength.

    When I read your post, I wanted to find something to say to share some bit of solace with you. I looked through all my favorite quotes in my scriptures. I looked at some of my favorite "comfort" resources, but nothing really seemed quite right. It all seemed too preachy or too...I don't topic...and very trite.

    But the truth is, I know you've been through hell and back in a multitude of ways, and I think you are one of the bravest, kindest, most Christlike, and most genuine people I know. And so even on the worst, most lonely, terrible, no-good, frustrating days, know that you have at least one cousin-in-law who will say to you, "This really sucks, doesn't it? BUT... the daylight will come in the morning. Know that you're not alone."

  2. Nichelle, you don't have to be strong all the time you know. It's okay to need someone to hold you while you cry. You are amazing, and I can tell you that I would not be as happy and positive as you are had all that happened to me. And it's okay to have bad days. On your bad days, cry. Cry your heart out and if you need a shoulder, call me. I'm always here for you, because you are the best cousin of all time! By the way, I didn't know you two were engaged, that is so uncool.

  3. Sweet Nichelle! You have been through a lot that has been hard for us all to watch. It does stink! It is sad what happened to you after all that you survived. Life is unfair, bad things happen to good people. I know the Lord will continue to carry you through this hardship, He will help you accept it and you'll make the most of it and continue to inspire others, maybe this is part of your mission. We think the world of you and we know that the Lord is good, you are a loving, compassionate soul and you will be even moreso because of all this. You can do this with your hand in the Lord's. Know we love you, so many do, Oregon friends adore you!!

  4. I understand. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve also. Some day you will look back and realize just how strong you are, and the good things you took from this experience. It's okay to not be strong some days. That is part of the process to strength. Hang in there. I think that you are a wonderful person and there are wonderful things in store for you.

  5. Wow. I just found your blog randomly and this is what I needed to hear. I can relate. I'm not even 25 and I've been through 2 failed back surgeries. One of them was less than 2 months before my husband and I moved to Africa. We were sure that was the answer. People told me how brave and strong I was. Now, here I am, 6 months later, in more pain than I was before... and on the other side of the world from those who love me.

    Goodness, I've started to ramble. I just want to say thank you for sharing your secret. It encouraged me in some strange way to know I'm not alone. I wish we were real-life friends. I'd hold you and let you cry (and probably cry with you) and say "Yeah, it sucks sometimes. Hang in there though, girl."

  6. I know you posted this a super long time ago, and you seem to be doing much better now (I follow your other blog) I just want to rush over and be your new BFF and make sure nothing bad ever happens to a magnificent soul like you. :)