Warning: Contents below contain information about an upcoming surgery...

So, we went to Salt Lake to visit Dr. Smith, and Dr. Dailey. Dr. Smith performs the EMG tests on my leg. I went in pretty confident that all we would be recieving would be good news. He did the normal, yet painful tests. My tibial nerve improved alot. It went from a 5 to an 8... whatever that means. But, it's really good. Above average generally, but about what they expected for someone my age and who's healthy. But the peripheral nerve (I think that's what it's called...) didn't heal at all. It showed no improvements. Which was quite a shock to me because I've been able to accomplish so much in the past 7 ish weeks. Disappointment doesn't really describe what I was feeling. Honestly, I was crushed. I've tried so hard to do all I can. It's like if I had studied for 7 weeks for a test, thought I had it in the bag then turning around and totally failing. I  really hate showing weakness or sadness, because I have so much to be grateful for and my life is amazing, but it took everything I had not to cry. (It's hard for me to even write this, because I know a few people read it, I don't like feeling vunerable, I've been hurt alot and showing this is scary) I feel quilty feeling sorry for myself, I'm very blessed and really shouldn't complain. But, I was heartbroken. I was also kinda upset, my life recently, even before the accident.... well honestly has been the most trying time in my life. Then all of this happens... Sometimes it's just a little overwhelming and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. This has just been so hard for me, and I've felt very alone in all of this. I have my amazing family, and I have tons of wonderful friends... but it's been a long time since I've had a best (true best) friend. I've always been the best friend for other people, normally that's enough for me. Normally, that keeps me happy, knowing that I'm helping people. But sometimes I miss having that one person who truly cares about you. Anyway... Let's just say the past little bit has been getting me down, and I thought these tests would give me the little ray of hope that I needed to keep going. But instead, they did the exact opposite. I got kicked while I was down.
After the tests with Dr. Smith, we went over to Dr. Dailey's office to discuss the results with him more and talk to him about options for my nerve. We got there, and he pretty bluntly just said that nothing was improving and time probably wouldn't help. So we pretty much should do an operation on my nerve, or I should get a tendon transfer. I kept waiting for an option for door number three with a miracle pill or at least a million dollars... something.
But the surgery for my nerve- They are going to go explore the nerve and look at the damaged part. They'll do tests to see if the nerve is capable of sending a signal, if that's the case, then it's just a waiting game to see what will happen. If not, then they will put in a nerve graft and replace the damaged part of my nerve... which will hopefully fix the nerve and allow it to repair itself and give it a fighting chance to send a signal. But it also could end up not working. Plus, there's also the risk of making things worse, since the sciatic nerve is the most complex to operate on, I could just loose complete use of my leg if and accident were to occur.
The tendon transfer, to the best of my knowlege is they pretty much are going to rearrange the tendons in my leg so my foot will always be upright, and I will have none to little range of motion. It will make walking easier, so it's pretty much a permanent fix to my foot drop by doing the complete opposite by making it stay in place. We're going to visit with the Doctor who would perform that on Thursday to get more information and a better understanding of what that option is. This option is permanent, it can't be reversed. To be honest the thought of my foot always being at a 90* angle freaks me out. This one scares me. I mean... I couldn't point my toe in a dance for a show... I don't see how wearing any sort of heal would work... and it just seems weird and scary.
Well, now that I think of it there is a third option... it's to do both surgery's. Do the nerve replacement and if it doesn't do anything down the road, or it makes things worse, then the tendon transfer is still an option. But technically that's not really an option C it's option AB. Gross.
But, I want to do the surgery on my nerve. They said I could wait another 6 weeks and decide. But I'd rather recover now from a surgery then in the middle of summer. Psh. That would stink. It would be right before my birthday if I waited... Happy 21st Birthday... You get surgery! I'm pretty confident that the surgery would either help or do nothing... I'm pretty sure the odds are pretty slim that the same nerve would get damaged... but there is that risk. Hopefully my luck won't run out and this surgery will be fine. I already escaped death... might as well escape another surgical accident. But that's just my thoughts, I kinda just want to get it over with. It will answer questions about how ther nerve got damaged because they will be looking for answers and what went wrong. And if I have to go through this anyway, might as well do it now, then do all the recovering and working on repairing my nerve all at once. Of course, it will take things back a bit, but I've done the work once I can do it again. If there's any chance that something could help, I'm more than willing to do it. I asked for a miracle, I've got to be willing to do my part to get it. I mean, what else am I going to do, sit around feeling sorry for myself. I've always been a worker, I'm willing to pay dues.
Anyway, that's the update. They have an opening for this surgery on May 11th. (It's a 6 hour surgery... how crazy is that!) I'm pretty sure after we get some more details and questions answered that's when we will do the surgery. Of course my parents have alot of input, but everything has always been my decision. And this is what I want to do, I know there are risks, but it feels right. It's scary, but I've got to do what I've got to do.  At first I thought if I had enough faith that my nerve would just heal and everything would go back to normal. Not that's still not an option, but I can still use the technology we are blessed with to get closer to getting better. Even if I don't get better, if I don't do everything I can to fix it, how could I live with that. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. As much as I'm scared, as much as I cry behind closed doors, as much as I just wish this was over, the simple fact is that it's not over and this is what life layed out before me. I can either whine and complain all the time, or I can get to work. No one likes being around a negative person, so since I know I need the strength of those around me, I'm going to work and be as positive as I can be. That way, I'll be ready for the next obstacle that comes my way.

So, there's nothing to exciting to report. Therapy is going great though, it's definately helping. Slow but sure. On the 29th I have an appointment in Salt Lake for another Neurogram. I'm actually kinda excited for this one. (The last one hurt like crazy... this one will too...) I think my nerve has done alot, I'm excited to see how much growth can be measured. I will report the updates as soon as I can. But as for now, no news is good news. I'm completely content and happy with my life. It's not exciting, I hardly do anything, but I'm happy.

Guess what!?!?!?

So I started physical therapy two weeks ago... It's been rough but also alot of fun. I'm mainly on an underwater treadmill. It's actually pretty tight. Then I do alot of other excercises and they've gotten alot of new equipment test on me. So I'm hooked up to all sorts of different machines. I'm usually there at least two hours on monday, wednesdays and fridays. To be honest I'm not really in a mood to type anything, but I have some great news! They just got this portable EMG machine from Italy, and while they were doing tests my foot moved! On its own! It's not alot, its hardly significant at all but I can resist a little if my therapist puts pressure on my foot! It's pretty sweet! But yeah, I think it's really exciting and hopefully therapy will help even more. It's been nice to get some strength back too! Well that's all! My foot twitches! Woot!

Find the Joy in the Journey...

There is sunshine in my soul today!

My cute little cousins came to visit!!! Claire and Maryn.

Here they are, acting "normal" for the picture... 

I can't tell you how much my family means to me. They are so amazing, I honestly don't know what I would to without them, and that's under normal circumstances. Having this trial and test happening right now, is actually a blessing, because I have my family to fall back on. People always ask me how I'm doing, and they are shocked when I say I'm great. I mean, honestly, why wouldn't I be great. I have my family, I have the gospel, I have so many blessings. Yeah, I'll admit, I'd rather not be going through this right now, but when is anyone excited about the little bumbs that come our way. Life is full of good and bad times, but it's the good and the bad times that make up our life.  It's just as easy to be happy as it is to miserable. I found this great quote! "The only disability in life is a bad a attitude." -Scott Hamilton. I love that, because I guess technically I'm disabled, well at least for now. But just because my body isn't as useful as it use to be, doesn't mean that I am. I know if I heal or if I don't I still have alot to offer to the world. I guess, the point of this post is to all those people out there with bad attitudes. Just stop. All my life, I've always tried to see the good in things. I'm not perfect and I have somedays are really hard, and sometimes life just stinks, but then I remember my family and I think of all the blessings the gospel brings into my life. Then life doesn't seem all that bad. I have a friend who is never happy with what life brings her. I can't imagine living that way. I can't change things for her, she has to change things for herself. The only person that can make you have a better attitute is yourself. If you are going through trial after trial, and bad thing after bad thing, don't let it get you down, you are being given the chance to learn and grow. You are GIVEN the opportunity to become a better person, to become closer to God, to become the person you want to be. If nothing ever was hard, how would you ever grow?  

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." Doctrine and Covenants 122:7. "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17. "Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11. "Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord they God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9.

I know and understand that life gets hard, but I'm so happy because of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that if anyone makes the choice to, they too can be as happy as me. Thank you to all of you who helped me get to this point, and thank to all of you who will help me to continue to move forward and grow and learn. I am so happy and I hope that one day, everyone can be as happy as I am. Plus, the great thing is, I have more life ahead of me, so I can only get happier, there probably is another storm coming my way, but that's okay because I for one plan on taking my sunshine wherever I go.

SPARKS!

So on Thursday, (March 4th) we (Mom, Dad, Me) went back down to Salt Lake for some more tests. The first set of tests they put electrodes all over my leg and foot to test the muscle and nerve reactions. Obviously, I didn't pass that test with flying colors. Then the second round of tests, the Doctor stuck needles into my leg and thigh to test some more. This experience was a shocking one indeed. It obviously wasn't the worst thing I've ever felt... a few other incidences come to mind when I think of pain level. But, I would never want that done to anyone. I was so glad to have my parents there. Even though I'm turning 21 soon, I guess I should be more of an adult by now... Oh well... I'm not ashamed to admit how much I need my parents. If my Dad hadn't of been there to hold my hand it would've been alot worse. It was nice to have him right by me. It's also nice to know my Dad is stronger then the Incredible Hulk so I could squeeze his hand as hard as I want and it would never phase him. But in all seriousness, it was incredibly scary and I was crying through all of it.
The test results came back and it was pretty much what we were expecting. It proved that the tibial nerve was improving but still extremely damaged. The tibial nerve is the nerve that controls the back part of your leg and foot. This isn't completely damaged, but since this part of the nerve is better then the front part (I can never remember the name) explains why I can resist someone when they push my foot up and why i can slightly curl my toes. The front part of the nerve is significantly damaged more than the tibial nerve.
Because of all the unknowns and how much damage there is and how many things contribute to the damage they want to wait to do any more surgery's or to have exploration surgery's. There's still a good chance things can heal on there own, but the fact that we have to wait so much longer for any concrete answers, just adds to the timeline of recovery. But I'd rather the job be done right, then do something prematurely causing more damage. I'll have another set of electrial tests in 8 weeks to see if there are any improvements. Joyous.
But, other than being electrocuted, I've been doing just fine. I don't do much, but I'm looking to change that. There's only so many movies, TV shows and craft projects you can do without going crazy. My health has been fine which is a great blessing. Also, the pain has significantly dropped since the original accident. Oh, which reminds me, it was the two month anniversary yesterday. It was a very "shocking" anniversary. It's hard for me to tell, but my mom says every day there are small improvements. I'll take her word for it. :)

Today's been a little rough...

So the past couple days have been really hard for me. Usually when I get down, or I notice that my mood isn't where it should be, I find someway to help someone or to serve someone else. For me this really helps, I know the reason I start feeling down or sorry for myself is because I start to get selfish. But ever since the injury, the only thing I feel capable of is asking for help. I need to find uplifting ways to spend my time while being injured.

I just came back from one of my best friends going away party, it was really hard. I know I'll see my friend again, and we weren't saying goodbye's... the reason that it was hard was because all I could was sit on the couch. Most of the activites that were going on required you to be moving around. Since I can't even stand for very long without loosing my balance it was hard to be there. It's so frustrating constantly being in pain, and not being able to do the simple things that I could not that long ago. I feel that I'm on my wits end. I feel bad for being sad about this, because so many people have helped me so much, but I still get sad about my leg. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong, normally during hard times, I find reasons to be content, but today I can't seem to do that. I guess I just want someone else to just sit with me. I feel very alone in what I'm going through. I have support from family and friends, but I'm the only one who can't walk.

I'm so grateful for the Savior and knowing he is always there for me, I'm grateful for my famliy and friends. When the burden get's hard, they all are so patient with me. But, I feel I'm stuck in a rut, so any advice would be helpful. I guess, I'm mostly frustrated because I'm so use to doing things, and helping in any way that I can, and now I can't do anything. All the things that gave me joy, helping others, being active, or simply walking over to someone that looked like they needed help, I can't do anymore. I guess, if I can't be the one to go help people, I wish people would come help me. I know most of the people in my life would do anything for me if I asked. But I don't want to ask, I want someone to know what I need. But that's a tall order to fill.

I guess... I'm sending out into the abyss of cyber space a call for help and comfort...

Oh the NERVE!

A few weeks after "the incident of.... well... being paralyzed"... I had an MRI in Salt Lake and meetings with some specialists. Nervous isn't a grand enough word for how I felt about having an MRI, surgery's are scary, but at least you're knocked out... I wasn't really excited to sit in a tube for 90 minutes to take some pictures of my innards. But, things went better than expected, I should've learned by now just to freak out less and I'll be fine.

The specialists wanted to wait to see the results from the MRI, but the options were most likely going to be, after they had a better picture of the nerve and the damage that had been done they'd go in for another surgery. Once they got in there, they would do a test using electrical currents to make sure signals could still go through the damaged part of the nerve. They hopefully wanted to reattach the part of the nerve that had been cut or ripped, since it was still attached, that would be the best bet of a better and full recovery if they could keep my nerve... but just repair it. Another option that they would be prepared for when they did the surgery was to have a donor nerve ready to place in if the nerve was too damaged. The risk with that was that my body may reject the nerve, but they wouldn't be able to tell until a year later, so they would just have to just start from base one again and try another donor nerve.

The last and scariest option, in my opinion, would be to do a tendon transfer. My back tendons on my leg are still in good working order, since i can curl my toes and I have full sensation of my lower leg and foot. (Yeah I'm paralyzed but still get to feel all the pain... talk about being jipped) This surgery would split my good tendons and I would have to relearn how to use my leg... I dunno... it was just weird and scary... and this last resort would definatly make it that I would lose alot of use in my leg...but I would walk again.

LUCKILY, the results came back from the MRI. As it turns out, I have super human healing powers. I forgot to mention earlier that my ribs, back and lung healed in 2-ish weeks, instead of the 8 or more weeks which was what was expected. But, back to the MRI results... the part of the nerve that had been ripped and was just a flap had reattached itself. This was an amazingly good sign. So instead of doing surgery quickly, they wanted to wait at least 4 weeks to see what else would happen, and how much more progress my body could do on it's own. So the next appointment is March 4th in Salt Lake...

Of course it isn't my super human healing powers, it's the power of the priesthood. It's the faith that I had and so many had on my behalf. I know that there were countless prayers in my behalf, and I know they are still going. With everything that's going on in the world, it's amazing to me that so many would take the time to care for me and have faith in me. My Daddy fasted and prayed for MULTIPLE days that I would be healed. He not only has faith in another miracle, he expects it. So whenever my faith waivers or this burden gets a little to hard to bare, I remember the countless miracles that have already happend. Even if I never walk again, I've been blessed more than anyone I know. What do I have to complain about? I never knew how much love and support could be given to me. I love my family, my friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can all read about the miracles that our Savior Jesus Christ did for his people, he healed the sick, raised the dead.... and he caused the lame to walk. I know that His miracles are still going on today. He is the same yeterday, today and tomorrow. I know that if it's His will, and if my purpose in life requires me to walk then I'll be healed, if not, I WILL walk again because of his atonement, because of the ressurection. No matter how hard the path may be, I know I'm never alone. I know, it will all be okay.

There's this quote that we all love in our little Relief Society in my beloved Summit Creek Branch, it's "Everything will work out in the end, if things aren't working out.... It's not the end."