Monday, September 27, 2010

Dear Friends, Put something in my Love Bucket, please! I'm runnin' out...

So, I feel like I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. I'm quite sad today. I'm not sure what it is. This week is going to be insane... 3 tests and 2 papers due, IWA Activity, IWA Meeting, Institute Choir Practice, CES Choir Practice, Women's Conference Choir Practice, my last week working 20 hours then I have to go down to 10 so I need to make sure I'm caught up on everything. (My parents make too much so I don't qualify for work study, but they wanted to keep me on but they only have enough in the budget to pay me for 10 hours a week.)

I have a million and a half friends that I know love and care for me but I feel really alone right now. Maybe I'm in a sulky mood because I talked about my life. Haha, okay that sounds really weird... Ummm... I saw my long lost high school buddy Walker, which made me very happy, but I caught him up on my life... which is great right now... but the past... hmmmm.... 2ish years have really stunk. I couldn't really tell him things in pieces so I had to spill everything... which included... being cheated on, stolen from, lied to, then being in my accident and the surgical mistake... I like happy things, and when I have to think about what I've gone through recently, well those aren't really happy things. I would much rather say I spent the last little bit sitting on top of a rainbow, eating ice cream and playing lacrosse which ninjas. But, no... I've had a pretty rough time lately. Not that everyone else hasn't... everyone is going through trials. I just... I need someone to help me realize it will be okay. It seems like I have more than enough friends when I'm happy and I can handle things, then the second I need someone there, everyone bails. I guess that's not really fair, because no one wants to be around a negative person, but I always try to be there for my friends during the good times AND the bad... And when I'm having good days, I feel people take and take from me, and I love giving... but I also have needs too.... I feel I give my whole self to everything I do, and never get my love bucket filled, it just gets taken from. (Apparently, it's a really big bucket because people seem to keep finding things to take) I don't have bad days very often... actually it's more like bad moments, never a full day... but, I feel I have no one. Maybe, I'm just being a silly girl. I dunno. BLAH.

I went for a drive today, because it was either go on a drive and cry... or sit at home alone and cry. I just had so much random emotion it needed to get out. I wanted to go on a walk, but I'm kinda scared to walk alone. I do live in Cache Valley, so I'm pretty safe... But, I just don't feel you should walk alone at night. Plus, I can't run away from danger. I do have massive biceps though and could probably punch out anyone, just kidding.... I wanted to go on a walk, but had no one to walk with so driving was the next best option. Anyway, going on my drive... it kinda helped... but not really. I'm not sure what to do, or how to best handle this. Maybe I just need to go to sleep and things will be better in the morning... But I'm sick of just fixing things for the time being... I want a good change to happen. All change can turn into good, I just would really like an obvious good change in my life. I'm blessed with many great things in my life, and I'm very blessed... I'm just in need of a little extra help right now... I know I'll be taken care of, I just don't know how...

I'll just get some sleep and maybe I'll be normal in the morning...

Oh life.

1 comment:

  1. Nichelle, you're the greatest. I seriously think you are so incredible. And, I totally get what you're feeling. It seems silly to feel so down when everything is so great, but it does still happen. I've learned lately, to turn to the sunday school answers: read your scriptures, pray, go to the temple, and serve brownies at the end of the lesson (as long as it's not fast sunday). Really, you're an absolute gem. You're amazing, beautiful, talented, and so very loved. I hope your week gets better!