Reaches My Reaching

So, I'm not gonna lie life has been pretty hard lately. I'm not really sure why, because things have been getting better. I'm back into physical therapy and I started a job. You would think that starting a routine and getting back into the swing of things would help, but it kinda did the opposite. I think the reason may be because I'm only now understand how long term this could be, how serious this really is. I mean, don't get me wrong, I knew that before... I guess before it was easier to see the progess, and now I'm waiting for a nerve to repair, that may not even repair.

Another part of the reason I've been sad is I haven't been able to do "Nichelle-ism's". I can manage by myself just fine... but people pay me extra attention and always ask how my foot is doing. I really hate that. I'm grateful for the concern, but it kinda reminds me how helpless I am. I'm so use to being the first one to volunteer, and everytime I think about doing something, I have to make sure I can physically do it. It would be nice to have a body that has the ability to do what my mind wants to do. It's quite frustrating. Today, for example, I was all ready for church, but then I realized I forgot something, so I made my way downstairs, when I got back upstairs, I realized I forgot something else. So down I go again, normally this wouldn't be a big deal and I'd probably hop down, or see how many stairs I could skip while wearing that particular skirt, but since the accident, things like that make me late. It's frustrating how much longer things take me. People tend to forget how much slower I walk now. I'm not offended, but as I watch them ahead of me, I can't help to think that they'll never really understand what I'm going through, nor do I want them to understand. I don't mean to complain, but honestly, I haven't really complained... maybe a healthy dose of sadness could be in order every once in awhile. I'm always so worried about other people, worried about my complaining, or my attitude and how that affects people. I don't like being selfish, but maybe it's okay now and again.

I really feel tons better today than I have in awhile, these things have just been on my mind recently. I'm rarely honest about my feelings if I think they'll have anything but a positive impact. I try so hard to be good, I'm not sure how well I'm doing, but i'm trying. I wish I could better express my feelings. I'm not very good at hiding emotion... good or bad... but I have a hard time expressing it, or letting someone in. This is something I definately need to work on, among a million other things. I think I've realized alot about myself through this whole experience. I think one of the greatest things I've learned (learned... not mastered) is that it's okay to be weak. I hate when I don't handle things the way I want to, when I don't react in ways I think I should. But it's okay, I shouldn't be that hard on myself. When everything first happened, I had so much support, friendship, and prayers in my behalf. I honestly didn't think that many people knew me, let alone cared. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever felt, to feel that much love. I still don't think I deserved it. But, what I've learned recently is that, (and yes it took me this long) getting your foot paralyzed is a pretty big deal. Since it's a big deal, it's okay to treat it like a big deal. I'd never let it control me, but most 20 year olds don't have to deal with this kind of thing. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be scared. But after I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and scared I need to buck up and get on with the day. I may not be able to fix my foot, but I can fix my attitude. I've always tried to choose to be happy, but I have to be sad sometimes to choose to be happy. If I'm never sad, I never can be truly happy. I'm kinda scared of my emotions. I do everything wholeheartedly. If I'm doing it, my whole heart is in it. If I'm talking to you, you have my everything at that moment. At times, it's caused pain, it's caused joy, but I'm glad I'm the way I am. I wouldn't be me without it. Out of the many hard things that I've gone through in my life, especially in the last year and a half, this probably counts as the hardest, but that also means I have the greatest joy to gain from this. This is really hard for me, but I'm grateful, I really am... even on my bad days. I feel so blessed. My life has been full of miracles. Big and small. There's probably too many that I've overlooked, but I try not to. There's a miracle to be had everyday.

The thing that gets me through this whole experience the most is, maybe I'm going through this because someone, somewhere down the road needs me too. Needs me to understand something, that I could only gain from going through this. Maybe my future kids, if I have the blessing of having kids, need me to do this. But I do know that there is a reason, and I do know that I can do alot of good, and I'm planning on doing so. I want to be an example of God's light to all I come in contact with. I want to make a difference, big or small. Maybe this is the one thing that will allow me to do so, and I'm more than willing to go through it. I'd be willing to go through it just so someone else wouldn't have to. I know I'm just a small part in making things better for the people around me, but I want to be a part. I've been so blessed, I hope I'm always showing my gratitude and showing to those around me my testimony and love for my Savior.

My Grandpa Allen gave me a blessing after the accident, and he said that this would be one of the greatest blessings of my life, I'm starting to realize the reality, depth and magnitude that statement really was.

Thanks for being my friend. You know who you are.

Life is soooooooo GOOD!

Sorry I haven't written anything in awhile. Life is great! Honestly, I feel even though things are really hard, that they are going to start looking up. I feel so blessed. The surgery went well, hopefully we can start seeing some improvements in the next few months. I'm back in therapy. I can't do as much as I did before, but slowly but surely I know I can get there. I also started a new job. It's with Aggie CARE. My mom works there too... It's kinda weird being the only undergraduate, but it's so fun. Right up my alley. I work with Child Care Resource and Referal. I basically make activities for day-cares and preschools. I play with kids and make educational activities. It's so fun. I've done that kinda stuff all my life with the neighborhood kids, and now I'm getting paid to do what I love! Help children. It's honestly amazing. I hope I can keep it during school. I'm doing a summer work study with them, and if I qualify for finacial aid I can stay there. (I'm worried I made to much last year...) But, I'll deal witht that when I get there. I'm taking a class in the summer, just to stay busy. Then I'll be back in school in the fall. Hopefully, my body can handle everything. It's not up to it's normal endurance of life's activities. But, I just want to let whoever reads this to know that I'm happy, and my life is slowly falling back into place. I feel extremely blessed and honored to have what I have. It's amazing how much I'm looked after. I don't know what I'd do without all the support I've been given, and the people in my life who have lifted me up through this. I have a long way to go. but life has started to restart again.... and I must say, it's nice to be back.

Let us all press on...

So, I've been home for awhile. Things have been great. I've been weak and tired, but nothing to severe. Hopefully everything will just go up from here. I'll admit, I really need things to start going up... I feel like I've been on the edge for awhile now. But I'm always blessed, so I know things will be okay. I'm grateful for all I have, and even though times are tough and I feel there's alot bearing down on me, I know I'll get through it. I just hope that I'll last emotionally through all of this. It's easy for me to show a happy face when others are around, even when times are tough. I know I'm very blessed and shouldn't complain, but it would be nice to have something obviously good happen. Good happens to me all the time, I'm just kinda sick of finding it among not so fun stuff. :) But, life is good. Just have to keep going I suppose. But, I'll use that alot in my life. Just keep enduring it well. The future is as bright as your faith. Keep moving forward.                           

Blessed.

So, my body is totally rockin'. They went in, and saw that I had so much scar tissue that it was pressuring and possibly damaging my nerve. So, 4 out of the 6 hours I was in surgery was only for removing scar tissue. (This is the third surgery in the same place in 4 months... just saying) Once they removed the scar tissue, they did the tests on my nerve. They did tests on as much of the nerve as you probably can do, and they found that the nerve can produce a signal all the way down. Obvioulsy, tests aren't perfect, but they feel very strongly that my nerve has a very high possibility of repairing itself and just needs time and a fighting chance. They put a protective gel around the nerve, which will dissolve over time, but this will protect it from the new scar tissue will form, but this will most likely prevent it from hindering the growth and improvement of the nerve.

Honestly, this is the best outcome of this surgery. They didn't have to take the risk to remove any of my own nerve to put in a donor nerve. It's always best to have your own body fix itself over time. It's still a waiting game, but I'm so grateful for this. Patience is something you can always benefit from.

Blessed can't even descibe how I feel. It's amazing the technology that we have. I'm so glad we did this surgery, although I'm in pain, it's nothing compared to what I've been through. I know that if we hadn't of done the surgery, even though my nerve has the ability to reconnect, it didn't stand a fighting chance because of the stress all the scar tissue was putting on. What an amazing thing that these doctors could do for me. Hoepfully, improvements will slowly start coming, but at least we know now that my body has the best possible to repair itself now. What amazing creatures we are, I'm so grateful for the care in which I was created, and for the blessing we have of a wonderful world and the amazing life I live.

The night before the surgery, my parents and I were in Salt Lake, we went and saw the Hubble movie at IMAX. In 3D. Legit, I know. But, I had such an amazing experience, and as tacky as it is I had such an amazing spiritual experience. What a comfort it is to know that God is my creator, and how amazing the entire universe and all creations are, but above all, I am his greatest creation. I know who I am, where I came from, where I'm going and what my purpose it. What greater blessing could I receive. I have such a stong testimony of my Savoir and of the wondrous things that I don't understand, but I know that out of all the Lord created, I am created of him. I love my family so much, and I love my Savior and my Eternal Father. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had over my entire life to gain such a strong testimony of my relationship with my Father. I'm so blessed to have all that I have, I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I will try my best to be worthy of all the blessings that I do have.

I know miracles happen. I know that the Savior who performed miracles blessings so long ago, is still doing so today. I feel so blessed to be apart of one. I know that we all will be given what we need, and will not be tried what we are able. We are all going though hard times, but stay close to the Savior and you will be blessed, he is waiting with open arms. If you are scared, he will lighten your fears, if you are weak, he will carry your burden. He will help the lame to walk again. Notice all the good in your life. Know that the Lord can be the guiding hand in your life. Know you are being watched over, know you are loved. Know who you are. You are a child of God. Do not take it lightly, it is true and real.

Surgery Tomorrow...

So, today was another trip to Salt Lake day. I had to get a cast made of my foot so that I could have a custom brace made, and I also had to come for a pre-op for my surgery tomorrow. Originally, the surgery was suppose to be at noon, but they changed it to 7:30 in the morning, then they changed it to 8:30... so I have to be there at 7... hopefully they don't change it another time. Sheesh. Doctors...

FYI: Surgery Date, May 11th, at 8:30 am and is scheduled to last about 5 hours. They anticipate me needing to stay in the hospital for 3 days. It's being performed by Dr. Dailey, at the UofU Hospital, in Salt Lake. Also, the nurse who helped with the pre-op stuff today said I was one of the healthiest to come in... I didn't tell her about my ice cream addiction...

Tendon Transfer Appointment

So today, my parents and I went down to Salt Lake again, to talk to Dr. Beals about a possible tendon transfer in the future. We mainly went to get more information about exactly it was. Dr. Finlayson told us that it was irrevesable, but turns out you can. So, if by some chance we do decide that's an option, it can be reversed, if eventually, my nerve does grow back. Which, was a great relief to me. I always wanted to wait as long as possible for this to be an option, and he agrees, he doesn't think that we should even consider it until the year mark. Woot. Great minds think alike. I told my parents I would not agree to do it in 2010, no matter how much Finlayson pushed it.

So, I've given my okay to the surgery. So unless something happens to make us reschedule the surgery, it will be on Tuesday. I definately feel like it's the right thing to do. I'm super duper excited. Not really, but I'm excited that it might make things better. I also understand that it could do nothing, but I prefer not to look on the downside. At the very least, it's changing up my very boring weekly routine.

Hmmm... I think that's all I have to really update. Oh, yeah... Today was a great day. I had ice cream twice. Also, it snowed today. Gotta love cache valley!

Happy Anniversary! 4 Months since the original accident- crazy.