Reaches My Reaching

So, I'm not gonna lie life has been pretty hard lately. I'm not really sure why, because things have been getting better. I'm back into physical therapy and I started a job. You would think that starting a routine and getting back into the swing of things would help, but it kinda did the opposite. I think the reason may be because I'm only now understand how long term this could be, how serious this really is. I mean, don't get me wrong, I knew that before... I guess before it was easier to see the progess, and now I'm waiting for a nerve to repair, that may not even repair.

Another part of the reason I've been sad is I haven't been able to do "Nichelle-ism's". I can manage by myself just fine... but people pay me extra attention and always ask how my foot is doing. I really hate that. I'm grateful for the concern, but it kinda reminds me how helpless I am. I'm so use to being the first one to volunteer, and everytime I think about doing something, I have to make sure I can physically do it. It would be nice to have a body that has the ability to do what my mind wants to do. It's quite frustrating. Today, for example, I was all ready for church, but then I realized I forgot something, so I made my way downstairs, when I got back upstairs, I realized I forgot something else. So down I go again, normally this wouldn't be a big deal and I'd probably hop down, or see how many stairs I could skip while wearing that particular skirt, but since the accident, things like that make me late. It's frustrating how much longer things take me. People tend to forget how much slower I walk now. I'm not offended, but as I watch them ahead of me, I can't help to think that they'll never really understand what I'm going through, nor do I want them to understand. I don't mean to complain, but honestly, I haven't really complained... maybe a healthy dose of sadness could be in order every once in awhile. I'm always so worried about other people, worried about my complaining, or my attitude and how that affects people. I don't like being selfish, but maybe it's okay now and again.

I really feel tons better today than I have in awhile, these things have just been on my mind recently. I'm rarely honest about my feelings if I think they'll have anything but a positive impact. I try so hard to be good, I'm not sure how well I'm doing, but i'm trying. I wish I could better express my feelings. I'm not very good at hiding emotion... good or bad... but I have a hard time expressing it, or letting someone in. This is something I definately need to work on, among a million other things. I think I've realized alot about myself through this whole experience. I think one of the greatest things I've learned (learned... not mastered) is that it's okay to be weak. I hate when I don't handle things the way I want to, when I don't react in ways I think I should. But it's okay, I shouldn't be that hard on myself. When everything first happened, I had so much support, friendship, and prayers in my behalf. I honestly didn't think that many people knew me, let alone cared. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever felt, to feel that much love. I still don't think I deserved it. But, what I've learned recently is that, (and yes it took me this long) getting your foot paralyzed is a pretty big deal. Since it's a big deal, it's okay to treat it like a big deal. I'd never let it control me, but most 20 year olds don't have to deal with this kind of thing. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be scared. But after I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and scared I need to buck up and get on with the day. I may not be able to fix my foot, but I can fix my attitude. I've always tried to choose to be happy, but I have to be sad sometimes to choose to be happy. If I'm never sad, I never can be truly happy. I'm kinda scared of my emotions. I do everything wholeheartedly. If I'm doing it, my whole heart is in it. If I'm talking to you, you have my everything at that moment. At times, it's caused pain, it's caused joy, but I'm glad I'm the way I am. I wouldn't be me without it. Out of the many hard things that I've gone through in my life, especially in the last year and a half, this probably counts as the hardest, but that also means I have the greatest joy to gain from this. This is really hard for me, but I'm grateful, I really am... even on my bad days. I feel so blessed. My life has been full of miracles. Big and small. There's probably too many that I've overlooked, but I try not to. There's a miracle to be had everyday.

The thing that gets me through this whole experience the most is, maybe I'm going through this because someone, somewhere down the road needs me too. Needs me to understand something, that I could only gain from going through this. Maybe my future kids, if I have the blessing of having kids, need me to do this. But I do know that there is a reason, and I do know that I can do alot of good, and I'm planning on doing so. I want to be an example of God's light to all I come in contact with. I want to make a difference, big or small. Maybe this is the one thing that will allow me to do so, and I'm more than willing to go through it. I'd be willing to go through it just so someone else wouldn't have to. I know I'm just a small part in making things better for the people around me, but I want to be a part. I've been so blessed, I hope I'm always showing my gratitude and showing to those around me my testimony and love for my Savior.

My Grandpa Allen gave me a blessing after the accident, and he said that this would be one of the greatest blessings of my life, I'm starting to realize the reality, depth and magnitude that statement really was.